February 20, 2018
When I was 13 three adult males brutally raped me.
I re-member reading Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken”
and would like to quote one stanza;
“Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.”
Why do I quote this poem? Because after the terrible event in my life- books, music and poems became my refuge. In the 1970’s, our main stream culture had little awareness around sexual molestation, abuse and harassment. I was never given any sort of therapy or counseling as a child and left to deal with this violence on my own. My parents were also not equipped to navigate this. The men were caught and brought to justice but, I recall even today that there wasn’t one woman in the court as I was interrogated by the defense lawyers. This wouldn’t happen today.
It is still very hard to speak of this…even after all these years. Although, I’m very happy about the #METOO movement I was conflicted about speaking out. On the spectrum of sexual abuse…my experience was on the far brutal side. Over the years, I’ve often asked myself if 25% of our women have experienced some sort of sexual abuse who are the other women and who are the abusers? This is a scary and complex question.
The extreme violence of the rape made me chose the road to become a radical feminist, explore Goddess worship, get my black belt in karate, choose music as my career because of its qualities, read up on abuse and PTSD, join peace groups and women’s groups, travel to a different country. Escape from here, the USA. Also, I never could settle down in a “Normal” heterosexual relationship always searching for the ‘Better” man, better person. The search never ended and I broke many hearts and my heart was broken many times along the way.
Luckily, I started therapy in Europe and here for many years has helped me immensely to find out who I am…who was that little girl who trusted the world and men before this happened. I could cry now for all of us who’ve lost that trust in each other. What I have found after all these years is that there are good and bad in us all and it’s the choices we make every day who defines who we are.
I believe there is a “sickness” in our society of how sexuality is viewed and an imbalance of power between women and men. This culture fosters abuse and violence. We need to speak out and heal this by not staying silent and addressing this or we’ll continue allowing these wounds to fester. One very important new discovery in my quest for healing is to become fully aware of leaving a Bi-nary vision of what it means to be a human being. This is because of the wonderful Re-Claiming community which embraces the “LGBTQ” movement. I’ve learned to love men again, the gentle and strong man.
All these years later with the help of my beautiful daughters, the Goddess, family, friends and all the lovers; I’ve been able to find my own joy in seeing sexuality as sacred and beautiful. I also found my answer. Our fathers, brothers and friends are the perps as well as all of us women who continue to uphold a society which condones sexual harassment, abuse and rape. We all are the victims until we realize that sex is not a sin but sacred and natural. And power can not be used to harm another human being. This is hard to admit but in the past, I chose revenge many times. Today, I choose courageous love.
September 20, 2016
POSTED IN WRITING from my old website
This past week-end I was honored as a crone by my community of women and my family. In our society older women are marginalized and often put into powerless roles. We are told over and over again that our bodies aren’t beautiful, that we have nothing to say and we should be happy to sit in a rocking chair in front of the T.V. Luckily for me, my faith has created rituals of passages for women transitioning from one part of their lives into another based on our monthly cycles of life. For example, when we as women first bleed , or give birth to children or ideas and when we lose our blood. This last transition is anything other than weak or unimportant. This is the time where we step into real power gained through experience, throwing off the shackle of motherhood, jobs, and the opinions of others. It s a time of re-connecting to our dreams, our freedom and the beauty of life. Here are some of my re-claiming statements.
I was silent, but now I claim my words.
I was a victim of abuse, but now I claim my body as my own.
I was distant, but now I claim the joy of hugging.
I was unhappy, but now I claim laughter as my own.
I was clumsy, but now I claim the freedom to dance my own dance.
I was fearful, but now I claim the courage to be myself.
I was stupid, but now I claim my instinct as wise and real.
I was embarrassed of my faith, but now I claim the right to be a pagan, priestess, healer and witch.
I’ve been a daughter, sister, mother, friend, wife, lover, teacher, musician and now I claim all these parts as my own and step into being a whole woman.
My daughter, Amrita, wrote something which warmed my heart and I know the legacy of trying to live my life well and with integrity was heard.
Mom, I am so proud of you that we are here to celebrate this new stage in your life for you as a crone. Your wisdom signified by this ritual is remarkable and honorary.
I hold dear to my heart the magic you have brought into my life along with so many others.
You have lived life to the fullest first as a young maiden where you were up for any adventure. I have learned your crazy stories of backpacking through Europe thinking to myself you must have had one hell of a guardian angel. As a mother of three, you were the rock in my life, you were and are my support system. You were and are a strong woman who both taught me my own strength and independence as well as how to laugh, love, cry and sing. Now you have reached in many ways the most honorable stage of your life as a crone. I hope you celebrate your regained independence and inner wildness. As a crone you have walked this earth longer than most. Your knowledge of the world is divers, making you a leader to teach others your magic. I hope this new stage in your life is at times serene and peaceful but also wild and free.
“Just as treasures are uncovered from the earth, so virtue appears from good deeds, and wisdom from a pure and peaceful mind. To walk safely through the maze of life, one needs the light of wisdom and the guidance of virtue.” Buddha
I was in tears when I heard this and I know that my other two daughters who live far away feel the same. And I knew that I’d raised three glorious beings.
The Goddess has been my guardian and I’m eternally grateful for her protection and guidance through the tough times and the times of joy.
What we seek...
Welcome to my blog about music, magic and writing. We all have talents with most of us focusing on one field to become good at what we do. I played and practiced music my whole life. I love music and am good at it yet, there seemed to be something missing. Have you felt this way about something in your life? I realized later in my late 40’s that I loved to write, that the craft of using words to express my thoughts and emotions put me into a place of the “Creative Flow.” There are many activities that people like to do to be inspired like baking, climbing or painting, etc. Follow your feeling of inspiration and have the courage to be alive in doing what you love. And sometimes it's gradening.